Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Details Magazine Highlights the Problems with How Sex is Conceived by Some Men

Where to start??? How about the headline: "Is it okay to demand anal sex"? I didn't know that it was okay to 'demand' any sex in any form. That being 'rape' after all. Or at least coercive. Let's get to the actual article then and see what precious jewels of wisdom it holds:

Phillip, an engineer in Chicago, says he and his friends request a ride in the back seat because it's a harder-to-reach goal than old-fashioned intercourse. "Once a guy has anal sex, he's put on a pedestal by his peers," he says. He claims he hasn't had much trouble getting women to agree to it. "I only had to persuade two girls. [I asked] 'Can I put it in your butt?' At first they were like, 'No, it will hurt.' Then time after time of having sex with them they finally said okay. It hurt them the first time, but after that they always said they enjoyed it—if not a little, then a lot."

For other men, the appeal of anal penetration is less the novelty—and the fact that it gives them a good story to tell over beers—and more the psychology. "For most of my friends, it's sort of a domination thing," says John (not his real name), 30, a writer in New York. "[It's] basically getting someone in a position where they're most vulnerable. My friends enjoy that and they tell their friends they did it. But it's not like girls are ready for it—it's something they do when they're really drunk."

"There's an erotic undercurrent about being in control of a situation," says Edward Ratush, a psychiatrist and sex therapist in New York. "It's a very ego-focused thing for the guy."

Let's see... the eroticization of domination.... coercion.... taking advantage of women who are intoxicated.... an ego focused thing. Hmmm. And here I thought sex was about the mutual pleasure of two consenting adults. Not, you know, about doing things that will impress your friends. I'm, of course, not suggesting that women do not enjoy anal sex. I know a bunch of female friends who really and truly do. But I also know a lot who do not and will not go there. Luckily they have boyfriends who aren't complete piggish assholes who actually see and respect them as people and not props to be used in sexual exploits.

Not that there's anything wrong with props in sexual exploits. By all means Details men... I implore you to buy a blowup doll to satisfy your back door lusts before 'demanding' the women you meet have anal sex with you or you know, coercing drunk women who probably don't have the proper mental acuity to responsibly consent to sex with you... since they're so intoxicated. And also, you might want to go get your psychologist to check out your desire for 'domination' and the fact that your ego and what your friends think is more important to you than an intimate relationship with a woman. More frightening talk:

So if you can't be certain whether the woman's enjoying herself or just submitting to peer pressure, and the act itself can be unpleasant, what's the motivation for demanding it? For Todd, so his friend says, it was about maintaining emotional distance. Albert says it's about enhancing the intimacy between two people. But the more plausible explanation is that it's about accessibility—and instant gratification. Now that anal sex has been propelled higher on the mainstream menu by a hypersexualized culture and the proliferation of porn (see Ass-Hole O Mio and the Anal Excursions series), some men can't help but order it. And some women feel the need to offer it.

A few years ago, Albert says, he was hosting a party at a New York nightclub. A girl in attendance began hitting on him aggressively, and after the party they headed uptown to her Columbia dorm. "I'll never forget it," he says. "She went down on me immediately, in the kitchen, then came up and said, 'I want you to fuck me in the ass.' That's some porno shit that most guys dream about." And when he told his friends about it later, he brought down the house.

Oh, mainstream pornography! The bane of my existence. Where men are taught to see women as props for their sexual desires and women are taught... to be props. This only renews my belief that we need far more alternative forms of pornography to show how hot mutual pleasure is in sexual activities and how sexy respect is for women whose bodies aren't just props.


Red Jenny said...

*sigh* This is disturbing in so many ways. Thanks for bringing to my attention as it relates to things I have been pondering for a while about sex under patriarchy.

Amanda Reaume said...

Red Jenny! I know... eww... gross. This article and the attitudes articulated in it makes me want to be celibate for the rest of my life. Luckily I know a bunch of men who don't feel that way and who think those types of attitudes are disgusting. Check out tomorrow's blog post though... it's going to be more about sex and patriarchy!